Mar 09 2009
Don’t talk to strangers?
Good thing I buzzed my hair AFTER the wedding!
I had a fascinating experience at a wedding last week, in a church that you might associate with the Amish (but speaking English). I deeply care for the friend I went to support in this big step, and I really don’t want to criticize her community. But I did find the whole situation interesting enough that I’m compelled to blog about it.
My family arrived at the church, and walked in the doors to find men on one side of the room, women on the other, and many pairs of eyes on us. This was quite understandable, since we were dressed quite differently than nearly everyone else in the building. In fact, I was the only woman in pants, wearing earrings (I left my nose ring in the car), and with very short hair.
We found friendly faces and hugs, and once these folks disappeared to help with last minute preparations, we stood awkwardly at the back of the room, wondering what to do. By this time, most everyone else there was intent on NOT looking at us, so it was hard to engage someone to ask about proceedures.
Finally we threw caution to the wind and got in line to go into the sanctuary. The wedding commenced, then ended, and then, shockingly, people started smiling at us! Some of the very same people who had refused to make eye contact previously were now smiling at me! I still have no idea what happened (maybe the shock had just worn off?) but others in my family noticed the difference as well.
Now at my church, when we see people we don’t know, ESPECIALLY if they’re noticeably different from most regular attenders, we tend to make a huge effort to welcome them. If we find ourselves uncomfortable with such guests for some reason, we make an even greater effort to welcome them, perhaps to prove to ourselves, each other, or them, that we are quite comfortable with difference in our midst.
So, I wonder, what response is more common? What might be most helpful?
To stare with curiosity and perhaps disdain, then pretend someone isn’t there? To avoid eye contact altogether? To acknowledge, but with as little contact as possible? To go all out in welcome?
What do you do when someone strange is in your domain?
I have been in a number of situations in the past year where I was in a place or group of comfort and someone new came in. Someone who clearly didn’t know what to do, but had come there on purpose. In most of these situations I was new enough to not feel like I should be the one to make the first step to greet and welcome, and one time NOBODY did, which sucked. The newbie kind of stood there for a few minutes, then left.
This last one was in my Aikido class, and our sensei was traveling in South America so we had a substitute. The sub didn’t recognize the visitor but thought he was a friend of one of the higher students in the class. I think everyone else was waiting for the substitute leader to go greet the visitor. I am a much lower student, and it had been made clear to me that lower students take cues from higher students. So though it was painful, I just watched the guy fidget for about five minutes then leave.
The best part of that story is that our sensei came back two weeks later from his trip, and was telling us about visiting other Aikido dojos. He said he had great experiences at all but one: this one, though it had a similar style to ours, was far from welcoming. He came in to visit and sat on the bench for fifteen minutes. No one in the room greeted him or even acknowledged his presence, so he left. He then told us that THAT is not the way Aikido should be, that he never wants that to happen at our dojo. He said if no one else greets a visitor then even a beginner should feel like it is his or her duty.
If I had been in your shoes, I of weak faith might likely have fled. What kept you strong?
Wow, Dan, I never even considered that there might have been a specific person (or group of people) to whom the task of greeting newcomers should fall, but it’s quite possible that was the case. So I can feel dissed by just a couple people, not everyone there:-)
If I hadn’t been there with my family, it would have been incredibly difficult, but at least I got to stick out with others!
The awareness you have of the “rules” in Aikido regarding leadership, etc., is quite interesting, and makes me wonder how many places in life the rules and roles are far less clear, but we’re still following them anyway. Following them with self-awareness seems far less dangerous.